Monster Energy Dog Leashes
-THE TWO TOWERS-parody of a ... E 'on-line for a while ... and the author is "mysterious" may exercise a friend now married (still wishes Gab;)) or a non-anonymous you know ..... anyway sia di un colpo di genio, senz'altro, frutto, sempre gustoso da rileggere! ;)
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-LE DUE TORRI-
Il film inizia con il panorama di alcune montagne. All'improvviso veniamo proiettati in un fantastico TEASER DI JAMES BOND, dove GANDALF e il BALROG invece che cadere da un aereo cadono in una spaccatura senza fine. Volano spadate, fiammate e lampi in un combattimento aereo senza precedenti.
PLATEA: WHOA!
A un certo punto qualcuno fa due conti, e si rende conto che tutto cio' accade mentre, nel primo film, il resto della Compagnia dell'Anello PIANGEVA E SI DISPERAVA. Vabbe'.
Inizia il film vero e proprio. FRODO e SAM, nella stada verso MORDOR, si sono imbattuti in GOLLUM, e sono riusciti a prenderlo prigioniero.
SAM: Ma e' E.T. con la depressione! FRODO (con aria saggia e triste): No, Sam. Questa creatura un tempo era un hobbit come noi, che e' stato distrutto dal potere dell'Anello, ed io voglio recuperarlo. Per questa ragione gli daro' fiducia e lo chiamero' SMEAGOL.
SAM (confuso): E perche'?
FRODO (consultando testi di CARL GUSTAV JUNG in numenoreano): Perche' se sapremo accettare la sua "Ombra" psichica, chiamata Gollum, essa sara' portata alla luce, e la COSCIENZA HOBBIT Smeagol potra' confrontarsi con essa in modo non conflittuale, ma positivo and constructive. So accept Gollum as a companion and we'll take him with us turn to him as Smeagol.
Gollum for the first time in centuries SMILING!
Frodo puts the book away and pulls out a receipt: They are ten gold coins. Back next week.
Gollum (whistling) Master treacherous. Master traitor. Grrrr.
Somehow, the three come to an agreement, and Gollum promises that will lead them 'to the Black Gate of Mordor without messing.
Legolas, Gimli and Viggo Mortensen while they were chasing in the land of Rohan, the Uruk-hai who captured Merry and Pippin. After a meeting with the Riders of Rohan Eomer led by brave, the three come to Fangorn Forest. The Uruk-hai were exterminated by the knights, and burned in a pyre smoldering.
Viggiano (kicking a helmet and killing a boom over): Damn!
looking at the ground but realizes' something strange.
Gimli: Oh! The instinct of the Rangers!
The three lead into the ancient forest of Fangorn. The tension and 'very high, when suddenly appear OUR LADY OF LOURDES.
Viggiano (open mouth): Can not 'be. OUR LADY OF LOURDES
: Of course I can not 'be an idiot! Do you believe that Our Lady of Lourdes speak with the voices of Ian McKellen and Christopher Lee together?
Gimli (uncovering his head): A sacred message!
discouraged, Our Lady of Lourdes, therefore, decided to reveal himself as Gandalf the White.
PUBLIC MOULIN ROUGE: AaaaaaaAAAAAAAAaaaaaah!
VIGGIANO: Gandalf! Beyond the 'all hope you come back to us! But 'cause the lights bitches?
Gandalf: I fought the Balrog, and won, and then me and 'appeared a black monolith, and instead' become white, and it 'came the captain stars of the Pleiades, e. .. (Note the other three sides) So, here I am! Do not worry about Merry and Pippin are safe with a tree che cammina! (gli altri tre ripensano al Capitano Stellar e si scambiano un'altra occhiata). Noi. ehu. invece dobbiamo cavalcare subito verso EDORAS la reggia di THEODEN, RE DI ROHAN, ove si aggirano impostori e figure non richieste!
I quattro partono dunque verso EDORAS.
MERRY e PIPINO, nel frattempo, avevano infatti incontrato durante la loro fuga uno strano ALBERO PARLANTE, un ENT chiamato BARBALBERO. Dopo qualche discussione, l'albero accetta di portarli con se' nella sua dimora. MERRY (sfogliando la sua copia in hobbit del "Signore degli Anelli") E quando arriveremo la', povera Isengard!
Nel frattempo nella collinosa reggia di EDORAS le cose vanno davvero poco bene. Il coraggioso capitano EOMER e' stato esiliato. Il saggio RE THEODEN e' stato posseduto dallo spirito di LINDA BLAIR, inviato dal CONTE DOOKU di Isengard, e straparla. Il suo fido consigliere BRAD DOURIF cerca di approfittare della situazione per concupire laidamente la bella PRINCIPESSA EOWYN interpretata da MILLA JOVOVICH.
BRAD DOURIF: Il re e' finito in un altro film, tuo fratello e' esiliato e noi siamo soli. Giochino giochino! Che si fa? Il primo che indovina vince un bel premiozzo, mia bella pelosina! Ehehehe!
MILLA CHE FA EOWYN tace.
Stacco, la mattina dopo all'alba. BRAD DOURIF giace col collo rotto in fondo alle scale. In cima alle stesse MILLA si dispera.
MILLA CHE FA EOWYN: Che disgrazia assurda. scivolare sul My tea!
Tim Curry in the role of HEAD OF THE GUARDS: Not so tormentatevi ', Princess! You do not have any guilt!
STAR OF CSI which is examining Wormtongue: Uhmmmmmmm.
Mill FA Eowyn (pulling out of a pocket with a seal pergamenone clearly cut from the box of Toblerone). But luckily he had time to leave his last instructions! All march on Isengard, where the massacre Count Dooku and the Uruk-hai, and dance to the sound of their rock-n-troll!
PEOPLE OF ROHAN Bloodthirster: EYUOAAAAAAARGH! Suddenly
on Mill FA Eowyn stands a TETRA SHADE. MILLA becomes tiny.
PETER JACKSON (dark like a Nazgul): Well? But the coup here was not to do it Saruman?
unmask MILLA: Here.
attendants drag scene via Mill, which resists scratches and bites, while others put in place and readjust MIRANDA OTTO Brad Dourif
MILLA taken: May the Lord God forgive you for your changes from the book, Peter Jackson BECAUSE 'I will not!
Brad Dourif: Where were we? Ah, yes, 'to play.
MIRANDA OTTO: You are wicked and cruel, sob, plus you made me burn the croissant, sigh, buah.
STALLS (pulling popcorn at the screen): But who wants to 'STA Bakewell? Please provide BACK TO THE Figone DELL'OREAL! WE WANT BLOOD! (Boos)
While these things were happening, the palace came Gandalf, Gimli, Legolas and Viggo. The four are invited to leave their arms.
Doorman: Even your stick, sir magician.
Gandalf: Come, good concierge! Brad Dourif can 'stand before the king with two crutches and a neck brace orthopedic, and you want to deny his old club?
doorman; Anyways'.
Gandalf enters the palace, and the first thing drops his stick at the head of Brad Dourif and Theoden, while the other three beaten up some guys who had the only fault to be dressed in black. Gandalf stands then in all its glory.
Gandalf: Get out! You have no right to stay here! FREEDOM OF THESE PLACES ON YOUR PRESENCE! GO! AND 'THE POWER OF Valar commands you!
Milla Jovovich (coming out from under a rug): All right. All right! I understood, you know? Too bad for you, I will never see more '! (Leaves between astonished eyes)
Gandalf (leafing through a copy in Elvish "Lord of the Rings"): These changes will be my death.
Theoden: But I feel like I woke up! I was having a dream where my beloved was Eowyn ... (Fourteen actors and workers are rushing to plug the mouth of the king).
MIRANDA OTTO: My King! We are at the tuoi ordini! Comanda e avrai cio' che desideri!
THEODEN: Vorrei una brioche!
VIGGO MORTENSEN: Sire, con tutto il rispetto abbiamo affari piu' urgenti di cui occuparci.
VIGGO bisbiglia qualcosa all'orecchio di Theoden, ed ecco BRAD DOURIF che vola fuori dal palazzo e in fondo alle scale, questa volta insieme alle stampelle.
BRAD DOURIF: EYAAAARGH!
PROTAGONISTA DI C.S.I.: La ricostruzione del crimine mi sembra ottima.
LEGOLAS (rivolto a VIGGO): Ma che gli hai detto?
VIGGO: Che voleva scoparsi Milla Jovo... Cioe'. (si morde la lingua). Ma @!#$! Vabbe', ci siamo capiti lo stesso.
THEODEN: Vattene, infame snake! It communicates to your Lord that King Theoden if not, will remain 'with folded hands while his kingdom sink!
For some reason feel the laughter REGISTERED. The people of Rohan is still convinced and happy, and the story will then return to our Frodo, Sam and Gollum, who by now have reached the Black Gate of Morannon, portal Mordor.
SAM: Oh save us. seem to be the gate of the Lingotto in Turin.
Frodo: It 's so, Sam, and these days and' more 'easy to get out to get into it. But we try anyway!
Gollum: Gollum If the Lord says that there was a way more 'easily and safely, the Lord is angry?
Frodo: The odds' are extremely high.
Gollum: So Gollum does not say.
SAM: Well, that's' the only way. Come on!
Frodo and Sam in June ruin 'by a steep escarpment making terrible. At the same time, make disturbing reading a column of infantry of Mordor, are playing the horns of the gate, turn up in the air five Nazgul, activate anti-aircraft turrets Mordor and deploy throughout the Third Division SS "Totenkopf" in defense of the whole region. With difficulty, bruised, injured and limping, the two back up.
Frodo: No, Smeagol, no. The Lord does not get angry. Meanwhile
Theoden decided to bring women, children and old to Helm's Deep, an ancient fortress of Rohan that will 'certainly one of the first military targets in the event of war, while Gandalf gallops away trying to retrieve the forced exile of Eomer. During the trip MIRANDA OTTO approaches curious to Viggo Mortensen.
MIRANDA OTTO: Brave and mysterious warrior for which my breast already 'pants, why that look angry? As a shadow cloaked in your heart?
Viggo Mortensen: (thought) The cloaks the fact that the same thing could tell me Milla Jovovich (said) and 'I did not understand if my great, only true and undying love' party for the Grey Havens or not and therefore do not know if and when we fuck.
MIRANDA not know what to say, which anyway do not give anybody anything 'cause then comes a watch in panic.
VEDETTA in panic: Orcs ON IENE Mann! Orcs ON IENE Mann!
King Théoden (taken aback): But when?! In my copy of the book (in the language of Rohan)'m not there! But who '... that idiot!
Meanwhile Legolas has already 'has bent his stately ARCO Galadriel! You hear a roar mixed with a flame, and arc a part ARROW prohibited by UN inspectors. After three quarters of an hour, ten miles away, a die struck in the chest that had nothing to do. Meanwhile the cavalry of Rohan and 'arrived at a gallop.
Riders of Rohan: me! THE MEETING AND 'UNEXPECTED BUT ARE OTHERWISE ITEMS EXPERIENCE!
Illuminates the fray. During the battle Viggo Mortensen gets caught in a hyena MANNARO who decided to commit suicide by jumping off a cliff. VIGGIANO is swept completely calm, roll even a cigarette.
VIGGIANO: Do not worry, in these cases, the hero always gets along, just look at Raiders of the Lost.
Viggiano and the Hyena MANNARO flying over the ravine. Curiously, you save instead rode the Scoter.
VIGGIANO: BUT THAT OF PORK PORK Valar ... (The rest is lost in the abyss).
Theoden, Legolas and Gimli (despondently, and keeping his helmet on his chest): do not believe that the Valar will hear its last invocation. (Shake the head and go back to horse).
Meanwhile, the people of Rohan led by Miranda Otto, and 'arrived safely at Helm's Deep, jackets' "The SMART WIZARD of Orthanc" had held five-orcs-five of reserve to attack while the knights were engaged in battle. The refugees will be welcomed by those who already 'had taken refuge in the fortress.
REFUGEES: Hurrah! Came the pastries! The Knights come
survivors, and Miranda and 'gripped by anxiety.
MIRANDA: I do not see Viggo! And that 'happened?
Legolas: Alas'! And he 'fell into a chasm, and unfortunately not with a Balrog, so I think the hopes are slim.
MIRANDA: E. you say. said something about me before he fell?
Legolas and Gimli us reflect very seriously.
Gimli: Maybe you!
Viggiano, of course, it 's dead, but' fell into a river which flowed right there 'at that time. The Epochal belly flop that has taken him but 'spread, and now floats like dead. Fortunately, the scene comes the SPIRIT OF LIV TYLER.
SPIRIT OF LIV TYLER: That's the kiss you laugh 'life (Viggo shows the Sacred Sword Narsil reforged) and here is the spit that you find yourself in the @! # $ If you still think that only once in the'. And you know who's talking!
SPIRIT OF PETER JACKSON: UNDERSTAND?!
Viggiano (reviving): This esperienza tra la vita e la morte ha improvvisamente illuminato molte cose nel mio cuore incerto!
Gia' che se ne e' parlato, ci viene la curiosita' di tornare a Gran Burrone, mentre in basso sullo schermo appare la scritta PRODUCT PLACEMENT.
AGENTE SMITH (mostrando una confezione di confettura grande come un bidoncino del latte): Per un Gran Burrone, un GRAN MARMELLATONE!
NO-GLOBAL TRA LA PLATEA: Buuuh! Fiiiiih!
L'AGENTE SMITH e' incazzato con sua figlia LIV TYLER per via della vita sentimentale di lei.
AGENTE SMITH: Tutte le volte che penso a te e quello la' insieme, VEDO BLU.
LIV TYLER (ascoltando col walkman l'ultimo disco degli AEROSMITH): That sucks, Dad '!
AGENT SMITH: How dare you talk so! '?
LIV TYLER: No, I said the disc.
VIGGIANO then he arrives at Helm's Deep, where all are preparing for the great battle. Meanwhile, Count Dooku and Brad Dourif plot.
Brad Dourif: The walls of Helm's Deep are elusive, except for one thing: a pipeline designed by the architects of their own strength of purpose to put mine!
Count Dooku (astonished): Incredible! Usually this kind of supercazzate the evil we do, like designing fortresses sidereal with the exhaust that just a torpedo to blow up everything!
Brad Dourif: This time no! But now 'we do not have an army! If only you had kept aside a bit 'of the army you have built for the Trade Federation.
Count Dooku: "If only"?! Why do you think that the merchants of "Attack of the Clones" took all the barrels at the end?
Brad Dourif UNDERSTAND!, And a tear of emotion flows through the cheek. Count Dooku comes out on the balcony of the tower. Given the end that made the last army completely in CG, this time however, decided to hire some also appeared in the flesh.
Count Dooku: Orcs of Isengard! King Theoden has failed in his promise to prove that does not have chemical weapons! This 'pruvucazzione nun there' that 'Na reply. VIUUUULENZ !!!!!
of Auckland REGISTERED PUBLIC STADIUM BY PETER JACKSON is superimposed on the soundtrack: UAAAAAAAAAARGH!
STALLS: Hey, you're right! In fact, King Theoden has never provided any evidence that chemical weapons Rohan DID NOT! But you see 'sti assholes - and we made them too good to go!
FARAM: Speaking of assholes.
PETER JACKSON: Now comes too, quiet!
In fact, in the meantime, Frodo, Sam and Gollum have come in the green district of Ithilien in search of alternative route. Suddenly a column of Taliban fighters accompanied by elephants GENETICALLY MODIFIED cut them off. Before i nostri possano reagire, pero', alcuni MARINE armati di archi sterminano sia i TALEBANI che gli ELEFANTI. A guidarli e' il CAPITANO FARAMIR, fratello di BOROMIR.
FRODO: Nobile Capitano Faramir, la vostra apparizione e' una benedizione. Il libro infatti dice che Voi rappresentate il contraltare di vostro fratello BOROMIR, l'incarnazione della nobilta' e di tutto cio' che sia il soldato che il cittadino possono amare in un Capitano di Uomini!
Gli uomini di Faramir prendono Frodo e Sam, li mettono in un sacco, li riempiono di legnate, li bendano, li legano, li prendono ancora un po' a calci e infine li gettano in una cella a GUANTANAMO.
SAM (alzando una mano): Non parlate, Padron Frodo. Lo so. E' the ring that makes you say what you say.
Frodo (shaking his head with eyes full of sadness): No Sam. It 's not the Ring. And 'the script.
We were forgetting to Merry and Pippin! Meanwhile, even the things they have developed, the two hobbits to the ENT told what is happening in the world, and evil 'of Count Dooku, and twenty SHEPHERDS OF TREES Friends and Treebeard' now assembled in council to decide a political position.
Pippin: As long as' do not make a circle.
MERRY: Quiet Pippin, we can relax! In fact, the book tells of how clearly now the Ents decide to disintegrate Isengard. Yu-hu!
STEP FOUR Months, which shows us how Peter Jackson is using a sophisticated means ASYNCHRONOUS alternated during the assembling, and e 'and then a very cool director. At the end Treebeard returns by Hobbit.
Treebeard: E-hum. We said, 'Hello how are you? So, we are gathered here for an important decision. "
MERRY: four months to tell you this?!
Treebeard: What do you want, these are the times we Ent. However, do not attack Isengard, 'cause three-quarters of us are far to busy to send out the trial against Berlusconi.
MERRY pulls his copy of the book written in hobbit them against a tree 'near.
TREE: OUCH! What have I to do?
Pippin is captured by an idea.
Pippin: And if it turns out that Count Dooku is burning and destroying the forest that is under your care?
MERRY (dark): Pepin, if it happened really Ents would know first!
Pippin: Why 'in this film you trust more of what the book says?
MERRY us reflect seriously.
MERRY: I and 'had an idea: let's all a moment to see what happens to Isengard'! Meanwhile
of Helm's Deep and the situation 'critical.
intelligence chief of Theoden: We have only old people and children and believes that Miranda Otto's ability to fight, while the enemy is beyond us twenty to one, and the portaerei ROOSEVELT e INDEPENDENCE schierate nel fiume Isen.
RE THEODEN: Chiedero' all'ONU un'altra risoluzione! Funziona sempre!
In quel momento arriva alla fortezza una divisione di ELFI NAZISTI, capitanata da HALDIR.
HALDIR: Siamo venuti a onovave l'antico patto tva gli elfi e il covaggioso popolo dei cavalli!
ISPETTORI ONU: Re Theoden fa chiaramente uso di truppe non previste dal libro, e quindi l'attacco terrestre e' giustificato!
OTTO MILIARDI DI URUK-HAI assaltano le mura del Fosso, ovvero il numero minimo calcolato dagli strateghi di Isengard per sopravvivere alla prima bordata delle frecce di LEGOLAS. Si accende un mischione pauroso in cui accade di tutto!
King Théoden: It does not matter! So no one has ever broken through the walls of the ditch! (The walls blown up by mines to the U-BOAT of Count Dooku and the action moving and glorious a single uruk-hai, under the trick will recognize some Scoter BEN CROSS).
Uruk-Hai: ADRIAAAANAAAA !!!!! (BOOOOOOOOOOOM!!)
King Théoden: Anyways'! So no 'never entered the main fortress! (Uruk-hai break through, thanks to tactics worthy of Russell Crowe in THE GLADIATOR)
Legolas (caught by a sudden idea): Nobody has ever gagged the King!
ALL look Theoden.
King Théoden: I have a better idea! We load a horse to Hope in God!
VIGGO: Tutto purche' non Miranda.
Si scatena un grande contrattacco a cavallo, durante il quale i cavalieri scoprono una cosa meravigliosa: CHE AGLI URUK-HAI IN CG CI SI PUO' PASSARE IN MEZZO! All'improvviso sorge il sole, e Gandalf appare all'orizzonte est.
TUTTI: Evviva e' tornato Gandalf, il Bianco Cavaliere! Evviva Gandalf! Ora carichera' con i rinforzi!
GANDALF perde invece mezz'ora a fare scene equestri stagliato controluce.
VIGGO (rivolto a LEGOLAS): Tira un missile contro quell'imbecille!!
Fortunatamente GANDALF, che ha portato con se' EOMER, si decide infine a caricare gli uruk-hai sul fianco, e il risultato del susseguente massacro and 'so obvious that we do not even see. In that same moment his ENT that Look at 'Count Dooku discovered that burned and ravaged trees, they're tearing Isengard.
CHRISTOPHER LEE (looking at the scene resigned, with his cheek resting on his hand): Sixty years of honorable service to make the bad I was taught not to blame.
Treebeard: flooding and destroy everything in a moment of immense effort months!
CHRISTOPHER LEE: But you '.
Meanwhile Frodo, Sam, Gollum, Faramir and the soldiers of Gondor arrived on the set of THE ENEMY AT THE GATES.
Faramir (addressed to one that looks like a guy who curiously there is' always in every film di "Guerre Stellari"): Portate questo mezz'uomo a mio padre Denethor, e dite che suo figlio Faramir gli invia una grande arma della quale gli Ispettori dell'ONU non sanno nulla!
SAM: Brutto sono gay! Siete proprio uguale a vostro fratello! Se Frodo non getta l'Anello nel Monte Fato saranno guai per tutti, e guardate voi che casino che ci combinate!
TUTTI GLI UOMINI DI GONDOR E TUTTE LE SPIE DI SAURON PRESENTI SULLA SCENA: COSA?!? Questo mezz'uomo e' in possesso dell'Anello Dominante e lo sta andando a gettare nel Monte Fato?? INTERESSANTE!!
Intanto FRODO, completamente in palla, offre l'ANELLO DEL POTERE a un Nazgul che stava pattugliando la NO-FLY-ZONE sopra Osgiliath. Lo spettro resta petrified with astonishment.
Nazgul: But how.? I am the "Lord of the Rings" I know by heart, and 'I'm the point of the story and Frodo' to Cirith Ungol, not to Osgiliath!
While frantically Nazgul browse a copy of the book (written in Black Speech) to see who's right, Sam throws him to Frodo, and Faramir hits the beast with an arrow flying Nazgul.
flying beasts: Ahio! But are you crazy? The contract was written that I had to fly over and terrorize the set of extras, and here instead sticking power rings, angry warriors, arrows fly true. you have news from my union!
The flying beasts goes taking away the Nazgul still immersed in reading. FARAM approaches Frodo.
FARAM: I was all wrong. But when I saw you give the Ring to that Nazgul first pass I realized that my duty and 'send to Mordor alone accompanied by a schizophrenic. (To his men) Liberateli!
LIEUTENANT Faramir: But Captain. so 'risk their lives! In fact, there Gondor 'a law very precise three thousand years old that says if a Hobbit named Frodo Baggins in Ithilien and by chance found in possession of the Ring Ruling should be released, who will' will be made death.
FARAM: Amen, vabbe '!
Frodo, Sam and Gollum are then released. Gollum plots to himself '.
Gollum: I have an idea! We will bring the brats hobbit from her. And after you will have them 'take the ring arranged. Eh, yes ', what a great idea,' cause you know how it is with the stupid brats!
Letizia Moratti: Why 'me your ears ringing?
Mount Doom erupts, and that the 'understandable since it's' a volcano, and even the Dark Tower of Barad-Dur erupts, and here and it 'already' more 'disturbing, given that a volcano is not'. But before the end credits there 'still time for Miranda Otto who decides what a spoiler of the third film.
MIRANDA OTTO: Fully dressed as a man, his face hidden by a helmet, and hidden by a spell Of the proper, 'ride' to myself Gondor, soddisfacendo cosi' il mio desiderio di combattere insieme alla mia gente.
POPOLO DI ROHAN: Evviva! Dama Eowyn parte per Gondor! E con un bellissimo stendardo! Forza Dama Eowyn, suonagliele sode!! (piovono rose)
PETER JACKSON: Ma. come fanno a saperlo? E' IMPOSSIBILE! Miranda Otto e' completamente nascost.
PETER JACKSON CAPISCE
PETER JACKSON (correndo verso i cavalieri in partenza): FERMI! FERMATELA! FERMIIII.!
LA VOCE DI PJ SI SPEGNE IN LONTANANZA. DISSOLVENZA IN NERO
TITOLI DI CODA
L'AVVENTURA FINIRA' NE "IL RITORNO DEL RE"!!!
SAM: Ma e' E.T. con la depressione! 
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